Friday, November 9, 2012

9.11.2012 - a sad little post.

I'm sorry I've not been blogging lately, I've been feeling really depressed and anxious.
not sad depressed exactly, but I just haven't been able to make myself do anything.
I go to work, I go to Hombu, but other than that I seriously have barely left the house in something like 2 weeks. Which means I don't exactly have a lot to blog about.

It's really frustrating, because I know it's happening, and I know the only way to 'fix' it is to go out and actually do something but it's so hard.
It was hard when I was at home with a family to tell me to take a walk or something and it's a million times harder here where no one is looking out for me day to day.
No one's going to remind me to eat real food, or tell me to come for a walk with them (apparently I really miss walking in the woods, never in a million years did I think I would ever miss that!), or just call my bullshit.

But it's also that there's very very very few people who could do that for me, if anyone here tried it would just make me angry.
And I know that's not fair to anyone involved, but hey, life's not fair.

I know this isn't terribly well written but I'm just trying to articulate these things on here.
It's hard for me to write about, partially because I'm not a great writer and partially because it's just hard to talk about.

I think that that's the hardest part of moving here for me: the lack of day to day support.
I have no one to go to for a hug or to talk anything over with.
It makes my anxiety harder to manage as well, or just, different.
I've only had two panic attacks since I got here (one a month, basically, which is what I have pretty much no matter what.) but I feel on edge a lot. I can't really think of a better way to explain.
Though I haven't panicked so much, I feel closer to the attacks than I normally do.

And it's not that I'm sad every moment of everyday, it's just… ugh, I don't know really.
It's just not fabulous.

But in some ways it's not bad,  I'm learning so much about myself. 
I've never really spent any time with myself, honestly. 
I've always surrounded myself with people, or work, or projects, or whatever.
But here I spend hours just thinking about my life, my goals, and myself. Who I am, who I want to be, how to get there.
It's really bloody intense, even though it just sounds mental in writing. 
I've put together a playlist that is sort of like my 'existential crisis' playlist.
A lot of the songs are sad, but I kind of need to be sad sometimes.
 I'll post it in my next blog post, or something. There's still a few changes to make, you know, perfecting the tempo at which one weeps.

I know I just talked about how sad I feel, and how I don't like that. 
My whole situation/emotions are infinitely complicated.
And if you think this is bad, you ought to hear the skype conversations I have with my mother.


My family is going to be here in a month and a week and I am so excited.
I really don't think there are any words to express my joy about this.


As of today, I feel almost 100% (probably because I took like 6 kinds of medicine this morning, which also made me feel like throwing up for a little while, so maybe space them out.) and I am really really pleased with that.

I also realised I hadn't eaten anything that could be called an actual meal in like a week, so I make a pasta salad with raw zucchini, beet root, sweet basil, olives, and feta. It made me day heaps better.

This is just been a rambling post about sad things, but I just felt like writing this up.
Maybe it'll inspire my to get off my butt and look around this city that I am lucky enough to currently reside in.

Have a good day and a pleasant tomorrow, all!

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