22.11.2012 - 3 months in Japan.

Well,

Today's my 3 month anniversary of living in Tokyo/living on my own.
It's odd, I feel like I've lived here for so goddamn long.
Not in a bad way, but honestly it feels like I've been here for at least 6 months maybe longer.

I didn't go to class this morning because I wanted to try Seki Sensei's class after work.
But then the Oedo Line decided it was an opportune moment to stop for FIFTEEN MINUTES between Higashi-Shinjuku & Wakamatsu-kawada (the stop closest to the dojo, on this line) so I didn't even get to the street Hombu's on until 7, which is the start time for the last classes.
So I walked back via my favourite korean grocery store.

Made myself some gyoza (not the best kind unfortunately) and watched the newest episode of Criminal Minds (not the best one unfortunately). What an evening.

I have tomorrow off and Hombu's closed so I have the entire day free. I have a pretty exiting plan but the weather way mess with it a bit. We shall see.

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I had this long write up planned with things I feel I've learned and blah blah blah, but then I started writing it and it just felt so terribly contrived.

I haven't radically changed, I'm not a different person, my life views haven't undergone some sort of giant upheaval.

I feel like the same person I was before... just a little bit more capable and a little bit more aware and a little bit more knowledgable about myself & who I want to be.

And I know, those are important and big things. But they're hard to explain. I have these crazy moment where I just feel like an adult (in a possitive way) and I've living this life and doing all these adult things like actually doing laundry and commuting to work and it just hits me, that I'm a real grown up now. Or something.
Other times I find myself listening to music that reminds me of hanging out in my living room with my family (Yes, Magnus, I do mean 'winding down music'.) and weeping quietly because mummy & daddy aren't here to hold my hand through a tough moment and I wonder if I'll ever really be ok on my own.

But I think honestly the two biggest things I've learned is that
A) I can do it alone. Not that I have to always or that I can't get help but I am truly capable.
B) mummy and daddy (and Magnus and my close friends) will always be there to hold my hand. Not always literally, but I have an outstanding support network of people who make my life amazing and are always here for me.
It took moving and having a really hard time to see that, and it's invaluable.

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That ended up a bit long and magical in the end, didn't it?
To end off your evening here's a photo that sums up my entire life in Japan.

smug face + koala-tea time in my underwear + gi pants.

9.11.2012 - a sad little post.

I'm sorry I've not been blogging lately, I've been feeling really depressed and anxious.
not sad depressed exactly, but I just haven't been able to make myself do anything.
I go to work, I go to Hombu, but other than that I seriously have barely left the house in something like 2 weeks. Which means I don't exactly have a lot to blog about.

It's really frustrating, because I know it's happening, and I know the only way to 'fix' it is to go out and actually do something but it's so hard.
It was hard when I was at home with a family to tell me to take a walk or something and it's a million times harder here where no one is looking out for me day to day.
No one's going to remind me to eat real food, or tell me to come for a walk with them (apparently I really miss walking in the woods, never in a million years did I think I would ever miss that!), or just call my bullshit.

But it's also that there's very very very few people who could do that for me, if anyone here tried it would just make me angry.
And I know that's not fair to anyone involved, but hey, life's not fair.

I know this isn't terribly well written but I'm just trying to articulate these things on here.
It's hard for me to write about, partially because I'm not a great writer and partially because it's just hard to talk about.
 

I think that that's the hardest part of moving here for me: the lack of day to day support.
I have no one to go to for a hug or to talk anything over with.
It makes my anxiety harder to manage as well, or just, different.
I've only had two panic attacks since I got here (one a month, basically, which is what I have pretty much no matter what.) but I feel on edge a lot. I can't really think of a better way to explain.
Though I haven't panicked so much, I feel closer to the attacks than I normally do.

And it's not that I'm sad every moment of everyday, it's just… ugh, I don't know really.
It's just not fabulous.

But in some ways it's not bad,  I'm learning so much about myself. 

I've never really spent any time with myself, honestly. 

I've always surrounded myself with people, or work, or projects, or whatever.

But here I spend hours just thinking about my life, my goals, and myself. Who I am, who I want to be, how to get there.

It's really bloody intense, even though it just sounds mental in writing. 

I've put together a playlist that is sort of like my 'existential crisis' playlist.

A lot of the songs are sad, but I kind of need to be sad sometimes.

 I'll post it in my next blog post, or something. There's still a few changes to make, you know, perfecting the tempo at which one weeps.

I know I just talked about how sad I feel, and how I don't like that. 

My whole situation/emotions are infinitely complicated.

And if you think this is bad, you ought to hear the skype conversations I have with my mother.

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My family is going to be here in a month and a week and I am so excited.
I really don't think there are any words to express my joy about this.

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As of today, I feel almost 100% (probably because I took like 6 kinds of medicine this morning, which also made me feel like throwing up for a little while, so maybe space them out.) and I am really really pleased with that.

I also realised I hadn't eaten anything that could be called an actual meal in like a week, so I make a pasta salad with raw zucchini, beet root, sweet basil, olives, and feta. It made me day heaps better.

This is just been a rambling post about sad things, but I just felt like writing this up.
Maybe it'll inspire my to get off my butt and look around this city that I am lucky enough to currently reside in.

Have a good day and a pleasant tomorrow, all!

11.10.2012 - shinjuku gyoen

Tuesday

I hurt my knee the other day, not badly but enough to properly hurt.
So instead of going to Hombu after work I took myself out to dinner at Eat More Greens.
Delicious, as always.
I ate avocado! and liked it! well, I didn't mind it at all.
I feel like this is one of those magical "I'm becoming an adult" moments, maybe not?

all time is tea time.

they even provide throws in case one gets chilly!

vegan taco salad

baffling

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Wednesday

Went and returned a dress, walked around Harajuku for a while.
I had 5 Japanese people ask to have their photos taken with me, two of the Japanese girls were together but the rest were separate.
Turns out not that many people dress like pin up models here, do it's still exciting?

It was bizarre, but cool.

the dress

the makeup

I also bought myself a ring that has a capybara on it, excuse me while I die of joy.

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Thursday

Went to the dojo, skyped with my family for a while, tidied up a bit.

Then I went and spent the afternoon at Shinjuku Gyoen, which is a beautiful park.

I walked around the Traditional Japanese Gardens for a while, they were gorgeous.

Then I spent some time lying on the grass reading my book. And by 'some time' I mean '3 hours'.
The most relaxing three hours I've had since I moved here, hands down.

water, douglas adams, and snacks.
the big three.

And to finish it all off I walked about the Formal French Rose Gardens, which were also gorgeous.

And these I took whilst walking back to the Shinjuku Exit, which was across the park from the rose garden.

what day would be complete without a public bathroom mirror shot?

On my walk back here I stopped by Bic Camera to look at tripods (found a decent one for about $90, which I think I'll go buy tomorrow.)  and some lens. My 50mm doesn't autofocus (it never has, I got it for free because of that) and I'm torn between buying a working one or maybe the 16-35 f/2.8.
Unfortunately for me the latter is going to cost me slightly less than $2,000 whereas the 50mm will only set me back about $500, so that decision is pretty much made. 
I dunno, I want something a bit more wideangle, but it has to have a low f stop or I go crazy.
Does anyone want to give me two grand? please and thank you.

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I'm sorry for the lack of proper blogging lately, I've been having a really hard time adjusting to being here.
I'm still really really homesick and I'm really struggling with being alone all the time and the general feeling of loneliness, which is made a thousand times worst by my inability to speak the language.
I'm just very alone in a very foreign place, and I really have no idea how to go about dealing with any of the emotion it's bringing up, so.
bit of a pessimistic ending here, but it's important for me not to lie on this blog and say everything's amazing when it's not. And it's not right now, far from it.


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hope you all have a good day, and a pleasant tomorrow!